And for my next trick…

Be aware of those who only love you when you’ve left and only give a fuck when you’re gone. Be on the lookout for those who thought you’d spend the rest of your life trying to get over them, damaged and unloveable after what they have done. Keep your eyes peeled for the people who wish loneliness and despair upon your life and those who do not applaud when you have dodged both. There are exes who will slither about your feet, hissing, reminiscing about the “good old days,” not realizing the both of you were in two different relationships. And there will be slithering exes who will only blame you for the bad days and only tell the world about your reaction and not the cause. How convenient.

And there are friends who aren’t really friends at all.

They don’t want to hear about your happiness, your triumph over bad relationships and dead end, one-sided love. They hate this happy, fully functioning you–this equally yoked, perfectly partnered you. I mean, how dare you not die! How dare you thrive without them! They will miss your sad stories and fail to find interest in your happy ones. But it won’t matter, because you are where you belong and there is no room for them anymore, anyway. They’re going to text you one day and Poof…I’m gone.